I recently turned 28 years old. I thought I met this age to an adult and an independent person. For the past two years, together with different experts, has worked on their growth and development. I grew up in a dysfunctional family, I was afraid and hated my father – an aggressive alcoholic. Having matured, I tried to change the attitude to the situation. In general, I am absolutely independent: I have been living separately for a long time, I earn good money, I can go abroad alone, I am happy to spend time with friends and in private with me. But during the celebration of my birthday in the family circle, I realized that in fact nothing had changed: I am still afraid and hate my father. I am responsible for the whole family: father, mother, younger brother. One word of the father, especially when he is in a state of intoxication – and common sense leaves me, I become uncontrollable: scream, fight, beat the dishes. How to get out of this circle, what steps to take?
Ekaterina, 28 years old
Ekaterina, a metaphor about Superman comes to my mind. He loses his superpowers in contact with cryptonite – mineral from his native planet. So we lose many of our abilities and achievements in contact with the traumatic manifestations of our parents. This is our personal cryptonite, and everyone who has grown in a dysfunctional family has it.
It is in contact with parents that the most deep personality structures are formed. Therefore, parents affect us so much: one word of your father can “turn off” common sense in you and “turn on” the deep structures of your personality, which will protect you in the way that they can.
Outside of relations with your parental family, you are an independent and full -fledged personality. https://bbrats.com/b-brats-fashion/ Remember this, appreciate this is the first step of exit from the circle of dependence.
The second step is not to scold yourself for how you react at contacts with your father. Having mastered new methods of response, we can use them only when we are in a resource state, when we have a lot of effort. Когда же стресс зашкаливает или ресурсы организма исчерпываются, включается старая схема поведения (новый способ требует больших ресурсов, а мозг вынужден включить привычный «энергосберегающий» режим).
Improving the quality of everyday life, we increase the level of internal resources and reduce the average level of stress, which means that we can be longer in the space of new methods of response. And the more we react in a new way, the more familiar this method, the less brain resources it requires, the faster it turns on and the longer it lasts in the event of a stressful situation.